A HousyTale
by Infusiion
Summary: Disney meets House MD! A parody by me! Cameron as the damsel in distress! Wilson as the noble steed! Read to find out more! Chase as the fairy godmother! Is that enough exclaimation marks for you? COMPLETE!
1. Itchy Butts and Soapy Knees

**oh LOOKIE! its me trying to write a parody! i got this insane idea whilst standing at the till being bored at work last weekend, so i wrote it on the back of a receipt and here it is! i hope you like it.**

**PS. i dont own anything or anyone. and with that, we will begin...**

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_Yes it is I, the narrator. Most of you will recognise me as that perfect voice with the British accent, that is neither male nor female, but whichever tickles your fancy at the time… er, let's not go there. And now, we will begin… _(Cue the fairytale music) A long time ago, in a place far, far away…(Stop the fairytale music)_ Scratch that – it wasn't THAT long ago, or THAT far away. _(Start the fairytale music.) Not-so-long-ago, in a place not-so-far-away, there lived a beautiful young servant woman… 

That beautiful young servant woman, who lived not-so-long-ago in a place not-so-far-away, was named Cameron. Well, actually her name was Allison and her last name was Cameron, but in fairytales no one has a last name. Besides, Cameron sounds better.

So her name was Cameron. She lived not-so-long-ago in a place not-so-far-away. But if you wanna get REALLY specific, she lived in the Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital, on the fourth floor, in a supply closet.

Every day she would wake up, leave her supply closet, stretch (an impossible feat while you're still inside the supply closet) and clean. No one ever goes to the toilet or bathes in fairytales unless something exciting or kinky is going to happen. Nothing kinky or exciting ever happens to Cameron. But in fairytales no one pisses themselves or stinks, so it all evens out nicely. Isn't it great when things do that?

Anyway, Cameron had a problem. No, she didn't have a zit on her chin, no she wasn't having a bad hair day, no she wasn't bloated from PMS – coz we all know those things are SO impossible, right girls?

No, she was in love with a handsome doctor, Sir Gregory. But sir Gregory didn't even know she existed. He and his Noble Steed Wilson were much too busy saving lives to bother with a young servant woman like Cameron.

Cameron let out a dramatic sigh.

"Sigh!"

And threw her scrubbing brush in the bucket. She was kneeling in the corridor and her knees were soaked with soapy water, but she didn't care. They would be dry for the next scene anyway. Now that her usual chores were done, she needed to report to her boss and receive some unusual chores, and probably some verbal abuse. Physical, if she was lucky.

Her Royal Majesty Queen Cuddy sat perched on her Big Royal Chair at her Big Royal Desk with a Big Royal Crown atop her Big Royal Hair. She had been pretending to write stuff so it didn't look like all she did was sit on her Big Royal Chair at her Big Royal Desk all day.

Cameron and her dry knees walked meekly (one of the few expressions the oppressed servant girls are allowed in fairytales) up to the Big Royal Desk and recited her lines.

"Your Royal Highness, I've done my chores," she announced, although it was more of a stutter than an announcement. But in fairytales, stutters are uncool, so we must pretend she has confidence.

"Very well. Now, you shall stand there while I think of something else for you to do." Her Royal Majesty Queen Cuddy said royally.

But as she gazed at herself in her Big Royal Pocket Mirror, her trusty sidekick Foreman (we will stick with Foreman, coz that's all I can think of right now) stepped out of the shadows and cleared his throat, which meant they all had to stop what they were doing and listen.

"Ahem. I believe that is my cue." He said in his most posh voice. "I have an invitation for the Royal Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital Ball tonight, your Highness. Sir Gregory will be attending, and it is important that you attend, as someone has to stand in the way of Cameron's quest for true love."

Cameron looked utterly confused. "What quest for tr-" Foreman lunged forward and unceremoniously flung her into the shadows where she could no further damage the plotline.

Her Royal Majesty Queen Cuddy peered over her Big Royal Pocket Mirror, and picked a Big Royal Chunk of Lettuce out of her Big Royal Teeth. "Very well." She announced royally.

Meanwhile Sir Gregory, handsome healer of disease and breaker of hearts, was ridding the world of Bowser's evil wrath on Super Mario. No, heroes can never escape from their duties.

"Oh bother" he sighed when the batteries fell out at the last level.

Wilson, his ever-loyal Noble Steed, took the conveniently presented opportunity to trot into view and offer today's advice.

"There's a ball tonight. You should go." He said while scratching his rear end.

Sir Gregory also had to relieve an itch on his backside. "Why?" he demanded. The itch was very persistent.

Wilson shrugged and switched arms to give the other a rest. "Something about saving the world and falling in love with a young servant girl."

Sir Gregory dropped to the floor and began dragging his butt along the carpet. "Is she hot?" he panted.

Wilson nodded enthusiastically while scratching his ass with a ruler. "Oh yeah." He gasped.

Sir Gregory stopped what he was doing and stuck his finger in the air like he had just found the meaning of life.

"I'll do it!" he announced.

**TBC**

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_so, tell me what you think! it was going to be a oneshot, but i thought 'nah, i might as well make it a few chapters long'... actually i kinda ran out of steam. you gotta be in a particular kind of mood for this sorta thing. i have it all mapped out in my head, and on the back of that receipt, so never fear! i will have the rest up and running soon._

_and for all you chase-fans, he will make an appearance :evil laugh:_


	2. Black Hair and Blue Tutus

**here it is, the next chapter. sorry it may not meet your expectations, but i didnt have as much steam as last time. the next one should be infinitely better :). PS. i dont own anything or anyone :)**

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Her Royal Majesty Queen Cuddy found some meaningless and degrading chores for our Cameron to do, including preparations for the Big Royal Ball that night. Cameron approached the Big Royal Couch, where Her Royal Majesty Queen Cuddy sat waiting for her beauty treatment. 

"Oh God, it's going to be like giving Shrek a makeover" She mumbled under her breath loud enough so that we could hear her, but Her Royal Majesty Queen Cuddy couldn't. It's just as well, too, coz the oppressed servant girls need some humour in their lives, or they will dissolve into a pile of rags, soapy knees and meek expressions, and they will lose ratings.

Cameron put on her most bland expression, and pulled out the hedge-trimmers she stole from Maintenance. Trying not to grimace, she pulled up a leg of Her Royal Majesty Queen Cuddy's Big Royal Sweatpants and started trimming.

Three hours later when she had finished Her Royal Majesty Queen Cuddy's legs, armpits, bikini line and ears, Cameron was piling cucumbers onto Her Royal Majesty Queen Cuddy's Big Royal Eyes to try and refresh them.

They had been pretending that it was working for ten minutes when Foreman popped out of the extremely large pile of black hair clippings.

"Your Royal Highness, it is almost time to make an entrance. Here I have your ball gown and make-up, which is designed to make you even more alluring and attractive, whilst simultaneously maintaining your villainous snarl and monobrow."

Her Royal Majesty Queen Cuddy nodded. "Very well." She said royally. "That is all, Cameron. You may leave my sight. And no, you cannot come to the ball tonight. There, I said it. Now leave."

Cameron, assuming that meant she had to leave without further argument, ran from the room in tears and leapt on her bed in the supply closet. Actually, it took more effort than that. She had to start the tears, run to the Big Royal Doors, open them, run through them, close them, run to her floor, open the door to her supply closet, run through it, close it, straighten out the blankets on her bed so they didn't bunch up under her stomach and make her uncomfortable when she was crying, and THEN leap on her bed. But then she would be puffed out, and an uncomfortable Cameron is better than a puffed out Cameron, so… whatever.

She sobbed and reached for the picture of Sir Gregory that she was suddenly aware of. Taking it from its usual place on her shelf, she gazed at it. How she loved those blue, blue eyes, and his white, white teeth, and that scruffy, scruffy stubble.

She was just about to break into song when a bucket fell on her head. Instead, she sighed.

"Oh Sir Gregory how I love you and how I wish I could go to the ball tonight…" she waited, and waited. Crickets chirped. So she tried again.

"OH SIR GREGORY HOW I LOVE YOU AND HOW I WISH I COULD GO TO THE BALL TONIGHT" she screamed.

With a tiny 'pop' the supply closet expanded, and someone with a mop of blonde hair in a sky blue tutu appeared.

"Yes, it is I, your Fairy Godmother, here to…" Chase screwed up his eyes, straining to remember his lines. He whipped out a sparkly palm card.

"… Save you." He grinned and flicked his hair back sexily.

Cameron coughed in an attempt to stop the gag that was rising in her throat. Her Fairy Godmother continued to grin in what he thought was a seductive manner, but really Cameron's eyes were watering with the effort of keeping a straight face.

"Well... Whaddya think? Don't you just _love _the tutu? It really brings out my eyes" He did a pirouette and fluttered his eyelashes, and Cameron, unable to hold it any longer, let out a huge snort of laughter, spraying spittle and boogers everywhere. Not a good look. Chase jumped back in repulsion, and wiped his face.

After ten minutes of silence and sniffling, a light bulb flickered to life over Chase's head. "Oh yeah, I forgot." He whipped out another sparkly palm card.

"Um… yadda yadda, damsel in distress, yadda yadda, oh, ok." He threw it away and shifted into a defensive stance. "Alrighty, it says I have to grant you your wish, and let you go to the ball tonight, then you will say that you have nothing to wear, then I will pull out my wand…" he reached behind him and produced a wand. Cameron's stomach turned. She could only imagine where he pulled it from. Chase seemed to realise what she was thinking, and blushed. He turned his back to her, revealing a small pocket.

"There's… pocket… um, yeah… anyway, it says I'm supposed to, um, magic you up a dress or something." He stared at the wand as if it was going to bite him.

Suddenly Cameron feared for her life.

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_next chapter coming soon! please, review! believe me, it will get better... and a 'loud, angry giant threatening violence' will make an appearance, too. otherwise it would be boring, and i would run out of funny ideas. :)_


	3. Dominatrixes and Giants

**I know I've told peoplethis would be up by the weekend, but after reading some GREAT reviews, I just started writing and couldn't stop.**

**Um…did I say infinitely better? Maybe a bit better. It's certainly longer. Um, I think I'll raise the rating now, coz I kinda get a bit carried away with the tasteless humour sometimes, lol. Forgive** **me :)**

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After an hour of black smoke and hideous costumes, Cameron was fighting her way out of a raunchy Dominatrix get-up while Chase sat back and watched, thoroughly enjoying himself, rocking back and forth and whispering "I've been bad" excitedly. Cameron rolled her eyes and wrapped her rags around herself once more. 

"Do you think you could do it right this time?" she asked impatiently. Chase picked up his rather worn copy of "Magik Fo Dummys" and nodded.

"Yeah, I think so. I just gotta really picture it in my mind" Cameron rolled her eyes again. Somehow it didn't surprise her that all the bizarre and demeaning costumes had been products of Chase's imagination.

"Do you want me to draw you a picture?" She asked sarcastically. She was getting tired of this. He shook his head. "I got it." He answered confidently.

As he whipped out his wand and began chanting, Cameron lost her hold on the rags covering her body.

"Bibbity, bobbety- BOOBIES!" He exclaimed, eyes wide as Cameron blushed bright red and picked up her rags.

"For crying out loud" she huffed, snatching the wand off an ecstatic Chase, and turning it on herself.

"Give me a freaking dress!" She yelled. After a muffled 'boom' and puff of smoke, Cameron emerged wearing a beautiful pale turquoise dress and a pair of silver strappy heels.

"It'll do" she sighed contentedly. Chase said nothing, but his wide-open mouth and bulging eyes told her he approved.

"Now I just need a way of getting there," she hinted, eyes darting over to him suggestively.

He blinked..

She winked at him.

He flicked some dirt off his tutu.

Cameron threw her hands up in exasperation. "Argh! Could you please give me some transportation?" She yelled in frustration. Chase grinned. "Now THAT, I can do." He answered.

"I'm going to kill him," Cameron growled as she pushed herself down the road on Chase's scooter. "Hopeless, absolutely hopeless, he is." She gasped as she bobbed along. By the time she reached the Ball, her hair had gone awry and her face was magenta from the effort. But we can't have her looking like that, because Sir Gregory would probably laugh, so as she walked up to the doors everything fixed itself, even the sprinkling of blue glittery dust that fell from the little fluffy baubles on the handles of Chase's scooter.

She approached the door, and was met by a little bald man in a pink tutu. "Invitation?" he squeaked, holding out his hand. Cameron hesitated. She didn't have an invitation. Now how was she supposed to get inside and win Sir Gregory's heart?

"I don't have one." She stated. The little bald man in the pink tutu shook his head. "Then I'm sorry, you can't come in, unless you produce a invitation, break into tears, punch me in the face, or perform a sexual favour for old Bruce over there." He jerked his thumb towards the dark alley way alongside the building, from which a great belch sounded.

Cameron gagged, clearly revolted. She was about to break into tears in order to gain entrance to the Ball, when something blue and poofy appeared at her side with a 'pop'. It was her ever-helpful Fairy Godmother. "Don't cry darl, you don't wanna ruin your makeup. Cecil! Mah man!" He stepped forward and greeted the little bald man in the pink tutu with a pat-on-the-back-man-hug. This gesture of camaraderie would have been nice if the two men weren't wearing sparkling tutus.

"Aww, what the heck, you can go in girlie." Cecil shrugged, opening the door.

"Thanks," Cameron said before turning to Chase as they entered. "How did you get here so fast?" She asked him incredulously.

"Magic." He answered nonchalantly.

_Smack_

"I worked my ass off on that stingy little scooter for NOTHING?" She screamed, infuriated, before stalking off into the ballroom. Not watching where she was going, she ran straight into Lord Foreman, Her Royal Majesty Queen Cuddy's Big Royal Advisor.

"What are you doing here?" he hissed at her. "The plotline, remember?" she replied nervously. Foreman suddenly caught on. "Oh, okay then" he whispered.

Suddenly Her Royal Majesty Queen Cuddy began sauntering towards him, wiggling her Big Royal Arse. "Foreman, who is that you're talking to?" she called out royally.

"Fudge!" he cursed, before unceremoniously flinging Cameron under a table. "No one, Your Royal Highness." He answered innocently before walking away, whistling softly.

Cameron was about to emerge from the table when someone pulled out a chair and sat down. She caught her breath. There, staring her right in the face, were Sir Gregory's knees. She heard him talk up above. She stifled a girlish giggle at the sound of his sexy voice.

"So where's this love interest that I'm supposed to be… well, interested in?" He asked someone whose knees Cameron couldn't see.

"She should be here. But I hear the only Fairy Godmother available was Bobbert Chase."

"Don't you mean 'Robert' Chase?"

"Uhh, no its written here as Bobbert Chase. It appears he can't even spell his own name."

"Dear God…"

Cameron crossed herself silently, thanking the lord and all things holy that she survived being trapped in a small space with 'Bobbert' Chase and his wand.

Just then Cameron heard the click-clack of Big Royal Shoes. Oh no, what's she doing here? Cameron thought to herself, her heart sinking. Her heart didn't literally sink; she just got this funny feeling in her chest, which she assumed was what it would feel like if her heart _were_ sinking.

Anyway, Her Royal Majesty Queen Cuddy sat her Big Royal Arse down on the chair next to Sir Gregory, and Cameron had to suddenly shift as her Big Royal Knees came into view, nearly hitting the side of her face.

"Why hello Sir Gregory," Her Royal Majesty Queen Cuddy purred royally.

"Piss off" Sir Gregory replied.

"That's no way to talk to your boss, Sir Gregory"

"Sorry… _please_ piss off?"

"Come on, don't you want some company?"

"I have company"

"I mean some… feminine company"

"Okay, when I get me some of that, I'll let you know."

From under the table Cameron could see Her Royal Majesty Queen Cuddy's Big Royal Hand shift closer to Sir Gregory's lap.

"Ew, piss off!" he repeated, louder this time. "Wilson, she's trying to touch my naughty places!" He complained.

With a snort and a sound like a foot connecting with a waterbed, Her Royal Majesty Queen Cuddy was sent flying across the room, where she landed on Her Big Royal Nose. Cameron giggled before she could stop herself, and slapped her hand over her mouth in panic. But at that exact moment a loud crash sounded through the ballroom, and a steady 'boom-boom' could be heard.

"What the fudgesticks?" Sir Gregory cursed, before leaping from the table. "Vogler!" He gasped. "But, but I thought I defeated him?"

"You did, Sir." The other voice said reassuringly. "But then his boo-boos healed, and now he's back for some extra screen time."

"Screen time?"

"Don't ask."

A woman in the ballroom screamed, and Cameron decided she should pop out and have a look at this 'Vogler' dude. So she did.

Vogler stood about twenty feet from the ground, staring vacantly into space, and drooling. When Cameron popped out from under the table he turned his gaze to her. Well, one of his eyes turned to her; the other required a forceful blow to his head before it too swivelled around.

"Ooh, perdy…" He moaned stupidly, before stomping over towards her, hand outstretched. Cameron screamed, and Sir Gregory turned to see what was going on.

"Watch out!" He cried, before leaping towards her, in slow motion. But unfortunately, everything else was happening at normal speed, so Vogler had Cameron in his paws and was heading out the door beforeSir Gregory even hit the ground.

"Oh no!" Wilson cried dramatically. "He's taking her back to his secret lair! But Sir Gregory, you must save her!"

Sir Gregory jumped up from the floor, and raised his finger in the air like he had found the meaning of life.

"I'll do it!" He announced.

And with that, he and his Noble Steed Wilson bounded off in Vogler's wake.

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_Feedback, please! As some of you may be wondering, yes I did forget about a part for Stacy, and YES I have now found one for her! Many thanks to The Mad Beta, for it was duringa reply to their review that an idea for Stacy whacked me in the face. you can all expect the next chapter SOON._


	4. Perdy Birdies and Bubbling Lava

**Well, _I_ like Stacy's part. I've always kinda associated this particular creature with her.**

**Last time I think I forgot to mention that I own nothing and no one. Ooops.**

**yeah, this is one of those chapters where you have one little thing you need to introduce or event you need to happen, but then you've got heaps and heaps of space to fill in when you've done it. if that made any sense to anyone, you should know what i mean.**

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In the moonlight two shadows flitted across the lawn, keeping low to the ground and every so often poking their heads up to view the surroundings. A twig snapped in the distance and the two figures flattened themselves on the grass in panic.

"Idiots" Sir Gregory muttered as he and his Noble Steed Wilson casually walked past.

"So, Wilson, where are we going?" He asked.

"To Vogler's hidden lair." Came the reply.

"Where's that?"

"Up there"

He pointed ahead of them. Looking up, Sir Gregory nearly messed himself. I did say nearly.

Up in the distance, perched on a big black volcano, was a huge sinister-looking castle. No, it can't get more clichéd than this. Lava boiled ominously around the base, and every now and then a bubble would pop, spraying molten rock everywhere.

"So, got a plan?" Wilson asked turning towards his master, or rather, where his master _should_ have been, had he not run off in the opposite direction. "Sir Gregory!" He yelled. "Sir Gregory! You must come back, you must rescue the fair maiden!" Yeah, as if that would convince him.

"Fine," the Noble Steed grumbled, before setting off towards the castle. "_I'll_ rescue the fair maiden. Freaking covering his ass AGAIN" and with that, he strutted up the hill towards his destination.

Meanwhile Cameron was just regaining consciousness in Vogler's lair. Of course, she couldn't remember ever _losing_ consciousness, but it always looks good when the damsels in distress wake up. So dramatic.

Anyway, Cameron woke up and was suddenly aware that she was swinging. No, really, she was swinging back and forth. And squeaking. But after rubbing her eyes she realised she was sitting in an oversized birdcage, hanging in a stingy, dark dungeon. The birdcage was also very rusty, which explained the squeaking. OR DID IT?

Suddenly a door flew open on the other side of the room, about eight feet from the floor. Light shone into the stingy little dungeon, revealing a stone staircase, a couple of bones and a rather worn copy of "Villens Fo Dummys".

"Where's da perdy birdy?" A big ugly giant moaned stupidly, sticking his head in the door.

"I'm not a bird!" Cameron squawked in indignation.

Vogler's face was blank. "Duh…"

"Let me out!" Cameron demanded.

Vogler scratched his very bald head, apparently trying to think.

"Duh… okay" He shrugged.

"DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!" A voice hissed from behind him. He stepped aside, and a dark figure slithered into the room. But she seemed to have forgotten that around sixteen stone steps stood between her and the floor.

Cameron watched in amusement as the dark figure bounced down all sixteen steps, cursing in three languages. When she finally hit the floor, Stacy straightened out all her kinks and dents, before slithering over by Cameron's cage.

"Well, if it isssssn't the pretty little canary from the hosssspital. Sssssir Gregory should be arriving any minute now to resssscue you." She hissed. Cameron, acting, looking and smelling braver than she felt, narrowed her eyes.

"What do you want with Sir Gregory?"

"Sssssir Gregory." Stacy replied.

"Yes, Sir Gregory, what do you want with him?"

"SSSSIR GREGORY"

"WHAT DO YOU WANT WITH HIM?"

"I want Ssssir Gregory! I want to ssssseduce him!"

"But you're a _snake_, how could you possibly seduce him?"

"…No soup for you!"

And with that, Stacy hurried out of the room.

Meanwhile Sir Gregory's Noble Steed Wilson was trudging happily along the path up to Vogler's castle.

"I'm a-walkin' to my doo-oom…" He sang happily. No, I don't know what drugs he's on, and no, you can't have any if I find out.

He reached the crest of the big, big hill, which was actually a volcano, but I don't know if volcanoes have 'crests' so we'll just call it a hill and be done with it. Wow, what a grammatically challenged sentence.

Anyway, he reached the… _top_ of the hill, and paused to catch his breath. God forbid he should have a look around.

Wilson stood on the edge of a bubbling lake of boiling lava, a few feet away from the bridge that led to the castle. Okay, to try and create SOME sort of distinction between the movie 'Shrek" and this story, I'm going to make the bridge a good one. It was made from some kind of sturdy concrete-like material that isn't vulnerable to lava or cat urine, which is always handy.

Alas, Wilson DID look around and take in his surroundings. I wonder if the bridge is vulnerable to Noble Steed urine? Sure hope so.

When he had finished pissing himself he took a deep breath, closed his eyes and stepped toward the bridge. Walking slowly and steadily he made it to the other side without opening his eyes. When he felt the dirt under his feet once more, he whooped and danced a little jig, straight over the side of the volcano.

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_oh no! what will happen next? not the funniest chapter, but the next one should be better. i've already started writing it._


	5. Stupid Snakes and Flaming Asses

**Sorry about the wait. I had this chapter almost completely written out, then i kind of fizzled out, like a meteorite in the earth's atmosphere. its hard to write parodies when you're not in the mood for it. but never fear! i finished painting my final studio for my art class, so my homework is back down to the 'normal' amount, and isn't as stressful. be expecting updates for any (or maybe even all) of my fics soon. especially 'boredom battle' coz that one's so FUN. anyway, read on!**

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**Sir Gregory was just buying some pirated DVD's from a homeless person when he heard a woman scream up near Vogler's lair. 

"Wilson!"

He ran back up the hill, to rescue his Noble Steed. He reached the ledge from which Wilson was hanging in record time, and leaned over to assess the situation.

"Don't just stand there, my ass is burning! Pull me up!" Wilson yelled. Sir Gregory shook his finger at his Noble Steed in a very Super Nanny manner.

"Don't you tell me what to do young man!"

"Please, just pull me up! My ass is very delicate!"

"No, its not."

"Yes, it is!"

"No, its not."

"Yes, it is!"

"…What's in it for me?"

"My eternal gratitude, that's what!"

"Wilson, I want something worthwhile. Nothing is eternal with you. I've spoken with your wives. Oh yeah." Sir Gregory nodded solemnly. "We've had lunch."

Wilson sighed exasperatedly. "Fine, I'll pay you! Just pull me up!"

"…How much?"

"JUST DO IT!"

"Fine, fine, no need to get all snippy. Sheesh."

And with that Sir Gregory pulled his Noble Steed Wilson onto solid ground, and promptly extinguished the smouldering fire on his backside.

"Thank you so, so much." Wilson gushed.

"Yeah, yeah, down boy. Lets go. Now that I am here, we can get the job done without further embarrassing incidents." Sir Gregory strode ahead importantly, forgetting that even in fairytales the castles have doors. Big heavy ones.

"Now what do you suggest we do?" Wilson asked as he pulled Sir Gregory up from the ground.

"I don't know. Now we can't rescue the hot little servant girl! I'll never get laid!" He wailed.

With a tiny 'pop' someone with a mop of blonde hair in a sky blue tutu appeared.

"Yes, it is I, your Fairy Godmother, here to…" Chase whipped out a sparkly blue palm card. "…Save you." He finished, flicking his hair back sexily.

Sir Gregory sniggered, and Wilson covered his eyes. Chase blushed, and checked his palm cards again.

"Y-you aren't Jessica Simpson trying to find tuna at the grocery store?" He stammered nervously.

"Nope." Sir Gregory said evilly, before grabbing Chase and wiping him all over the door. With a tinkling sound the door sprung open. Satisfied, Sir Gregory dropped Chase, and strode into the castle.

Wilson peeked through his fingers at Chase, who was brushing dust off his tutu and looking quite perturbed. Chase looked up at the Noble Steed, who was doing his best 'tree' impression. The two of them blinked at each other, before Wilson ran off after his Master. Chase shrugged, and followed, figuring Jessica Simpson could do without him. How very wrong he was.

Meanwhile Cameron sat in her cage, counting the bars. It really didn't help that the cage was circular. So far she was up to eight hundred and fourteen. Suddenly the door flew open, and Stacy bounced in. She was getting quite good at it. After straightening herself out, she once again slithered over to Cameron's cage.

"How are you my little parakeet?" She hissed evilly.

"Shhh, counting." Cameron said shortly, without taking her eyes off the bars.

"Oh yeah, I've tried that before." Stacy said seriously.

When Cameron continued pointing at the bars and muttering under her breath, Stacy nodded knowingly. "You're gonna need your concentration. I'll leave you to it." She added, before slithering out the door, completely forgetting her role as the villain in this story. For the moment. Muahahahahaha.

Meanwhile Her Royal Majesty Queen Cuddy was running around with her Big Royal Nose to the ground, sniffing desperately. At last! She found Sir Gregory's sexy, sexy scent.

"I've got you now" She cackled, before running up the big hill towards Vogler's castle.

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_to be continued..._


	6. Bouncing FuzzBalls and Rubber Duckies

**i wisheth to apologiseth for noteth updatingeth thiseth soonereth. pleaseth readeth on and thou will hopefully forgiveth me. :whacks head with coconut: sorry about that. heres another chapter for ya!**

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Sir Gregory, Wilson and Chase found themselves in a huge dark corridor that was littered with rubble and smelt slightly of stale cat food. The kind you find in a can, not the biscuits. One of the cheaper brands, Sir Gregory decided as he sniffed the air delicately.

The three of them crept forward carefully, making sure to avoid the chunks of stone that were lying about. A series of thumps and groans indicated Chase wasn't having much luck, and Sir Gregory was forced to whip around at regular intervals to quieten him. It went a little something like this:

_Thump_, _groan_, '_shut_-_up_-_a_-_your_-_face'_, _thump_, _groan_, '_shut_-_up_-_a_-_your_-_face'_ and so on. There was a nice beat to it actually. Sir Gregory was startled to find Wilson bobbing along happily beside them, completely oblivious to the fact that the holes burnt in his backside were whistling as he walked.

Suddenly Chase was hit with a double-whammy. He fell and bounced off an old portrait, soared gracefully through the air, and landed with a loud _boom_ twenty feet ahead of Sir Gregory and his Whistling Steed.

The vibration of the air molecules around Chase's butt as he landed could be heard throughout the castle and surrounding land. In the bathroom Vogler dropped his rubber ducky, out on the volcano Her Royal Majesty Queen Cuddy soiled her Big Royal Knickers, in her bedroom Stacy gasped in surprise and accidentally swallowed her maid, and Cameron… well, Cameron kept counting.

Out in the corridor Sir Gregory ran forward, ducking and weaving between the stones like a pro, before reaching Chase, pulling him up by the scruff of his neck, straightening him out, and smacking his head.

"You idiot!" He exclaimed. Chase stood there looking like the victim as he prepared himself for some serious verbal bashing, but Sir Gregory was cut short by a shrill cry coming from the door.

"Yoo-hoo!"

He whipped around and gave a strangled cry. Standing there waving seductively at him was Her Royal Majesty Queen Cuddy. She paused to spray some mouth freshener in her Big Royal Mouth, before running toward him with her Big Royal Arms outstretched. Sir Gregory figured he still had a few minutes while Her Royal Majesty Queen Cuddy made her way through all the rubble, and desperately searched for a way to escape.

"Sir Gregory, over there!" his Noble Steed cried dramatically, pointing to a doorway further down the corridor, from which Stacy was emerging rather awkwardly. The big maid-shaped lump on her belly made it a little difficult to move. I'm sure you understand.

Sir Gregory stood trapped amongst the rubble, scanning the room for somewhere to escape. He saw a sign on the wall to his left, which read, "Exit" and started making his way toward it. Chase stood squinting at it with his mouth hanging slightly open, and when he finally realised what the sign was saying he dashed off after Sir Gregory, and pushed him out of the way.

"What do you think you're doing you little wiener?" The handsome knight exclaimed as the glittering blue fuzz ball zoomed through the door, closing it behind him. Before Sir Gregory could do anything further, he felt something grip him. He squealed as Stacy wrapped herself around him, cackling evilly.

"You're mine now, Sssssir Gregory!" She hissed.

"You leave him alone!" Her Royal Majesty Queen Cuddy yelled royally. Sir Gregory relaxed a little.

"He's mine!"

Sir Gregory yelped and began struggling with all his might to break free of Stacy's grasp. Her Royal Majesty Queen Cuddy stomped up to Stacy and gave her a shove. The evil serpent let go of Sir Gregory and hissed threateningly at Her Royal Majesty Queen Cuddy. Sir Gregory started hurrying away, but stopped to watch in amusement as the two hormonal beasts fought each other.

Her Royal Majesty Queen Cuddy kept shoving Stacy, until she gave her a whip with the end of her tail. Her Royal Majesty Queen Cuddy gasped in royal horror, and launched herself furiously at the smirking reptile.

"Bitch!"

"Ssssslag!"

"You shall never have him!"

"Yesss I will, Sssssir Gregory is MINE!"

"No he's not, he belongs to David Shore!"

"Who?"

"Never mind"

"Wait a ssssec… is Ssssir Gregory… gay?"

The two of them stopped, blinked, and turned to stare at the handsome doctor, who blushed scarlet.

"I am not!" He replied indignantly. "Now why aren't you fighting? Go on, I need you two to distract each other so I can sneak in and rescue the hot little slave girl!"

Her Royal Majesty Queen Cuddy's Big Royal Mouth fell open. "Did you hear that Stacy? He was going to run off with another woman while we were fighting!" She cried royally.

Stacy's eyes widened. "No way!" Then she narrowed them, turning in Sir Gregory's direction.

"Let'sssss get him!"

With a nod Her Royal Majesty Queen Cuddy growled and ran towards Sir Gregory, followed closely by Stacy.

Everything slowed as he reached around and pulled out his light saber. Her Royal Majesty Queen Cuddy pulled out her Big Royal Light Saber, and Stacy somehow managed to activate hers, too.

Sir Gregory prepared himself for battle, with his head bowed. As they approached he whipped his head up and launched himself at them.

"William!" He roared. Not stopping to remind him that he was NOT Heath Ledger and this was NOT a medieval jousting match, Her Royal Majesty Queen Cuddy and Stacy ran into him, clashing in an array of blue, pink and green light. I'll let you decide who is who.

All of a sudden Sir Gregory stopped and threw his arms at his sides with a stamp of his foot. "Its not faaaaair!" He wailed. "There's two of themmm and only one of meeee!"

With a snort his Noble Steed Wilson came to his rescue, effortlessly kicking Her Royal Majesty Queen Cuddy and Stacy out of the way with a toss of his pretty brown hair.

"Thanks!" Sir Gregory said brightly, before putting away his light saber and sighing.

"Now all we have to do is find the hot little slave girl."

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_methinks the next chapter will be the last, but if you're nice i might throw in an epilogue. IF YOU'RE NICE!_


	7. Soiled Undies and A Happily Ever After

**Finally! The last chapter! Sorry it has taken this long... damn writer's block. I hope you enjoy this chapter - I hope you enjoyed the story! I loved writing it (on those rare occasions when I was inspired).**

**Thanks for all the wonderful reviews! Read on!**

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Sir Gregory and his Noble Steed Wilson huddled together with their heads down, whispering about their options. Their aim was to come up with a good strategy for finding and rescuing Hot Little Slave Girl.

Five minutes later little snippets of whispered conversation could be heard, all of which indicated the two of them hadn't gone very far at all with their plans.

"She's not a natural blonde you know,"

"Get OUT."

"Oh yeah. I speak the truth."

"Damn, I must be losing my touch. Usually I can spot these things."

"Dude, you couldn't spot a bottle-blonde if she stepped on your scrotum!"

"Ouch, Wilson. That hurt. Speaking of pain, aren't we supposed to be finding my new girlfriend?"

"Girlfriend?"

"Yes, Wilson, girlfriend! I will rescue her; we will fall in love and live happily ever after! Everybody knows that's how it goes! Sheesh, for someone so observant when it comes to women's hair, you can't even recognise a plotline when you see one!"

"… How about that door over there?" Wilson said quickly, pointing across the hall to an oak door.

Sir Gregory confidently strode over, opened the door, and slammed it shut again. He turned and walked back to where Wilson was standing, his face expressionless.

"Don't ask. Let's try this one."

Sir Gregory began walking toward a door on the opposite side of the hall. This time Wilson followed.

With a bit of effort, the two of them managed to open the door. It revealed a large room, which was empty except for the thick metal pole sticking out of the middle of the floor.

Suddenly the two heroes could hear a faint rustling coming from the corner. Out of the shadows crawled a young man. Across the front of his shirt were the words "BoyToys'R'Us". It appeared he was chained to the pole.

"Dear God, help me – please"

Sir Gregory shut the door with an abrupt 'bang'.

"Geez. Stacy sure is desperate," He commented, jerking his head towards the closed door from which whimpering sounds could be heard. "I know I'm sexy, but come on – hiring a professional gigolo as a substitute? I'm flattered."

"Shouldn't you be offended?" Wilson asked, his tone slightly incredulous. Sir Gregory sighed.

"Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy," He replied, shaking his head sadly. "Always sees the glass half empty." Not bothering to let Wilson retort, Sir Gregory headed over to the other side of the hall again.

For the next half an hour the two of them scoured the hall, checking every door they came across. At last they reached the final door.

"Do you think this is it?" Wilson asked his master.

"Nah… Ya think?" Sir Gregory's reply was soaked in sarcasm as he pointed to a sign nailed to the door. It read:

"DO NOT ENTER: HOT LITTLE SLAVE GIRL TRAPPED INSIDE. KEY IS UNDER MAT"

"Key is under mat…" Wilson repeated to Sir Gregory just in case he hadn't read it for himself.

Sir Gregory rolled his eyes. Suddenly his Noble Steed gasped and gave him a panicky whack on the shoulder.

"But Sir Gregory –There are two mats! Whichever will we choose?" He exclaimed.

All colour drained from Sir Gregory's face as he slowly lowered his eyes to the floor. "Oh no…" He murmured in a barely audible whisper.

Wilson's lower lip quivered as he struggled not to cry. "What now?" He squeaked.

Sir Gregory shook his head. "I don't know. Maybe we should try and guess which mat the key is under," He replied with more confidence than he felt. Wilson looked utterly shocked.

"Wow… You're prepared to boldly go where no man has ever gone before, for a girl. That's awesome." He gasped, eyes wide.

Sir Gregory pursed his lips, thought for a moment, and then nodded his head rapidly.

"Yes."

Wilson bowed. "You truly are my hero."

"Thanks man. I'm proud to be your master."

Violins could be heard as Sir Gregory reached out to pat his Noble Steed on the head. Wiping a loose tear from his eye, he then bent down to shift one of the mats aside.

"Nooooo!" he wailed as the violins reached a dramatic climax.

There was no key.

"What now?" Wilson sobbed.

"I… I guess we go home." Sir Gregory muttered, hanging his head in defeat.

"What about the hot little slave girl? What about 'happily ever after'?" Wilson stammered, his voice cracking.

Sir Gregory turned his head toward the locked door. "God bless…" he whispered solemnly.

Slowly the two unsuccessful heroes turned away and headed towards the exit.

They had shuffled ten feet when a shadowy figure burst through one of the side doors mumbling darkly to himself.

"No respect for me at all… 'Yes your Royal Majesty', 'No your Royal Majesty', 'Kiss my ass your Royal Majesty'…" It was Lord Foreman, Her Royal Majesty Queen Cuddy's Big Royal Advisor!

He saw the two dejected heroes, and stopped dead in his tracks. "Hello…" He said blankly.

It took a moment for their minds to process him, but when they had the two heroes could not have been more grateful. Wilson squealed with glee and Sir Gregory clapped his hands repeatedly, reciting, "All is not lost" over and over. Now that Foreman decided to show up, they could rescue the hot little slave girl after all!

"This is great! Now he can get us the key!" Wilson exclaimed excitedly.

"Yes… the key…" Sir Gregory replied, shifting his eyes suspiciously.

Foreman had just enough time to look scared before the handsome knight lunged forward and grabbed him.

(Ten minutes later…)

_Bang_

"Again! Heave!"

_Bang_

"Almost there!" Sir Gregory grunted as he and Wilson held Foreman between them. Upon seeing him, Sir Gregory had decided Foreman's head would act as an excellent battering ram for the door. Twenty-seven hits, a sweaty (two times as sexy) Sir Gregory and an unconscious Royal Advisor later, the door burst open with a creak.

Sir Gregory and his Noble Steed Wilson flung Foreman unceremoniously into the shadows because the plot didn't call for him anymore, and began to dance a triumphant little jig amongst the clouds of dust.

"We did it!"

"Yay!"

Their celebrations were cut short, however, when the dust entered their lungs and they began coughing violently.

When _that_ was over, the two of them waved the remaining dust away with their hands, and stepped inside the room.

A neon sign hung above their heads with the words "WATCH YOUR STEP" flashing brightly across it.

"That looks new" Wilson commented as they began to descend the stone staircase.

Once they reached the bottom, they blinked and let their eyes scan the room. Sir Gregory gasped as his beautiful eyes fell upon the most beautiful creature he had ever seen. It was Cameron. She was still in her cage, her hair was messy, her undies were soiled and she was mumbling to herself, but to Sir Gregory she could have been an angel.

"Nice to see the plot is working," Wilson muttered darkly to himself in a jealous manner.

"We must get her down!" Sir Gregory panted while scurrying back and forth across the room searching for something to break the cage with.

"Is she… is she counting the bars?" Wilson asked incredulously.

Sir Gregory stopped. "Oh my god!" He gasped. He continued scurrying; only this time there was urgency in his steps.

He finally found an axe. Lifting it above his head he brought it crashing down with an amazing force. The cage split open with a snap. Cameron fell to the floor, still curled in the position she had adopted in the cage.

Sir Gregory looked down, and his jaw dropped in horror.

Cameron was spinning around on her backside jabbing the air with her finger while muttering to herself at an alarming rate.

"Sixty-one thousand twenty-two, sixty-one thousand twenty-three…"

"She's still counting the bars! How horrific!" Wilson exclaimed, forgetting his insane jealousy for a moment. Sir Gregory wailed in desperation. He frantically scanned the room, searching for something to help cease Cameron's curse. His eyes found nothing. He grunted, stamping his feet in frustration.

Suddenly a light bulb flashed above his head and his eyes lit up. He lunged forward and grabbed Cameron, who was still counting to herself. He pulled her up and kissed her passionately. The violins sprang to life once more, and again the world slowed down. Finally Cameron's counting stopped, and she found herself enjoying the kiss.

They finally broke apart and stared into each other's eyes as only star-crossed lovers can. The heart-warming violin music faded into the background and the world fell into a comfortable level of quiet.

That is, until Wilson burst out crying from behind them. They ignored him as his wails (punctuated by wracking sobs) threatened to break the sound barrier.

Sir Gregory led His Girlfriend out of the castle with his arm resting comfortably around her shoulder. Together they headed out towards the sunset with Wilson trailing behind still sobbing hysterically, although his voice had become somewhat hoarse so his wails sounded more like rasping squawks.

And so, Sir Gregory and Cameron (His Girlfriend) had fallen in love. They got married and lived happily ever after, proving once again that dreams can come true.

_(Not for Wilson though. His insane jealousy lived on, but he decided to turn it into something more productive. He became some big-shot Hollywood writer, and last I heard he was drafting a pilot for some new TV show about a scruffy, sarcastic doctor who manages to simultaneously save lives and break hearts. Personally I think it's a flop.)_

The End.

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_Watch This Space... there **MAY** be an epilogue. If I can get around to it, that is. Please review!_


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